So I slept with Bruce last night. I picked him up Sunday evening at work. I was so excited to go home with him. He was relatively cheap, too.
He was just adorable! Huggable. Snuggly. He had soft hair all over his body and it wasn’t too coarse. And he had a big smile that showcased his big, white teeth. All the better to eat me with, I suppose.
He was pretty big, too.
Unfortunately, I’m talking about a big, plush Bruce the Shark toy from the Finding Nemo movie.
Every once in a while, I look at myself and see what the rest of the world sees: fat.
Normally, whenever I see myself in the mirror, I am still the hot, young thing I was in college. But that’s hindsight. Like many girls, I think I’m fat when I’m not. I always thought I was fat even when I was a child: at 5 years old, my popular, beautiful best friend was 50 lbs and I weighed in at a hefty 55. I purged myself at 13 to a mere 87 lbs. (from a gargantuan 102). Just a year later, I starved myself to 97 lbs from 118. I graduated high school at 112.
I’m one of the few people I know who didn’t gain weight in college. I lost weight because all of my close friends went to the same school together; I, alone, went to the big state university. It was the best thing for me since I was so emotionally needy of them, but I lost weight from sadness for the first time in my life. Eventually, I discovered laxatives as a way to maintain weight loss. But the most successful weight loss tool was yet to come. In senior year of college, I was dirt poor. Yes. Poverty is the only diet that worked for me. I graduated from the University of Washington with a Bachelor of Arts in French with a concentration in Linguistics at a super-hot 108 lbs.
So now I’m smarter, saner and more confident. I haven’t purged since my sophomore college days. I’m happy to say that was a long time ago. I do realize however, that I’ll always be bulimic. It’s like alcoholism – it never goes away. The vestiges of my disease can be seen all over my puffy body, especially since I may not purge anymore, but I still binge all the time.
I love hearing overweight people say it’s their metabolism or some other excuse. It’s not my metabolism. I eat like a sumo wrestler. I should weigh 400 lbs. I weigh in anywhere between 197-204. So I must have the metabolism of an Olympic swimmer. For the most part, I don’t believe anyone who blames their metabolism. And if they are telling the truth, then I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for anyone who did everything right and still got fatter and fatter. I’m thrilled to say I ate my way to this body.
And the fat people who love their bodies? – whatever. Too fat and too thin are both bad body images for our youth. No one should feel bad about themselves because they don’t think they are skinny enough, but on the other hand, overweight people should not dismiss the health risks associated with being overweight just because they saw some fat, hot chick in a Lane Bryant ad. (I just want to say here that I shop at Lane Bryant and I LOVE their clothes!)
People assume certain things about fat people. Well, I may look fat, but inside I have the confidence of a hot, young thing (which, bizarrely enough has to do with age & maturity). I also realize that if I ever lose all this weight, I will look thin, but be fat on the inside. Fat or thin; it’s my nature to be contentious.
I love it when people have opinions about my weight. Adulterers, massive debtors, embezzlers, racists and chauvinist pigs all seem to have an opinion about my weight. I often wish that all types of sins would manifest themselves physically. Everyone knows my sin just by looking at me. Often when I get advice from someone, I just want to scream out: “You cheated on your husband – I’m just fat!”
My other favorite piece of advice comes from people who are naturally too thin…the ones who are always trying to increase weight. People who say things like, ‘In high school, I drank chocolate milkshakes every day to keep my weight up.”
First of all, if you are naturally predisposed to be underweight, there is NOTHING you have in your life experience that will help me lose weight. You, Naturally Thin Person, lose weight walking briskly to the mailbox. For me, it will be the culmination of many changes, some big, some small that will help me lose weight. I have all the puzzle pieces of weight loss, I just need to put it together in a way that my overworked schedule and stressed-out emotions can’t tear apart.
Secondly, I don’t know one fat person who got fat drinking chocolate milkshakes everyday. The only shakes that will make you fat are the ones that are supposed to make you thin. So, if you’re trying to keep your weight up, stop going to Dairy Queen and stock up on SlimFast instead.
Allow me to share the big secret of all fat people:
We know how to lose weight. We know how to eat right. We know we need to exercise more. The weight belongs entirely to us – we are totally accountable for our excess weight, so in short…
Shut The Fuck Up.
That’s the name of my new diet: The Shut The Fuck Up Diet.
If someone wants to give me advice, I’m going to tell them to Shut The Fuck Up. I think all fat people should just tell all skinny people, all experts and their loved ones to just Shut The Fuck Up. I think if all fat people did that, they would all lose 40 lbs the first year.
So I've calmed down. Last night, I went home and had a glass of wine with my roommate. We talked and watched Medium.
Basically I realized a couple of things:
1. My co-workers are not the boss of me! Ummm...I mean...well, I guess I mean just that. They don't review my performance, they don't determine raises, they don't determine my employment. My boss likes me and likes my work. That's all that matters. And apart from wasting too much time on the internet, I produce good work. And one of these co-workers is a friend. I don't want to ruin my relationship with her or the company over something this petty. Frankly, we ALL talk behind our friends' backs on occasion to relieve stress - it doesn't mean you like someone any less. Sometimes people you like annoy the shit out of you. And it's not like I'm innocent of talking behind someone's back. So I best just drop it.
2. I will have bad days at work.
They other job - my "part-time" job where someone is being accused of stealing, will not get better anytime soon. I'm just going to have to work my butt off again to prove myself and re-earn (is that even a word!) everyone's trust. On the other hand, I'm going to be minding my P's & Q's so much, that if someone IS stealing, I will absolutely be catching them. And I'm not letting anyone off the hook when it comes to auditing, reconciling and verification. I have plenty of friends in my private life; I don't need anymore at work. If management or lower-management finds me annoying or inflexible because I won't let anything go, well, they only have themselves to thank.
Exotic, short, funny, smart, chubby (yet oddly, still super-hot). Generous. Loyal. In my sexual prime. Workaholic.
I'm Amerasian. I was born in Bangkok and my second language is English. However, my Thai isn't what it used to be...
