Here, Have Some Cake and Eat it Too
I had a quasi-argument with my roommate’s boyfriend last night. Arguments bother me long after they are over because I often do not represent my own thoughts/feelings very well. I usually allow my anger to control my words; thereby my anger misrepresents my actual opinion.
Tony is an alcoholic. Something he’s been struggling with openly for about a year and possibly many years to come. Sometimes we talk about it because I too easily succumb to addictions. In my early to late 20’s, I spent money like I was rich and now that I’m practically debt-free I’m turning my attention to my eating disorder. Not the thin-kind of eating disorder (although I spent most of 8th grade throwing up, 9th grade starving myself and my freshmen year of college scarfing laxatives). You see, I’m clinically obese.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing ‘clinical’ about it. You can look at me and tell that I’m significantly overweight. We’re not talking 20 lbs here. I’m under 5’1” and I weigh 195. That’s an extra 70 lbs. I used to weigh 208 lbs. So, I’m not just clinically obese; I’m just plain fat.
Sometimes, Tony and I will talk when we are alone about our weaknesses. He always compliments me on my insights. I think he likes the fact that I’m not constantly nagging him about sobriety.
So last night, I came home and found Tony and Trina (my roommate) playing cards and sat down to watch and just shoot the breeze. I don’t know how we even got on the subject, but I said something to the effect that I often wish I could see other people’s sins the way people can see mine. I just feel that if a person wants to give me any type of advice, I want ALL their cards laid out on the table. I want to KNOW that you’re a necrophiliac before you give me diet advice – that’s all I’m asking here. People hide their sins, but because my sins are literally written all over my ass, ANYBODY can give me diet/exercise advice. And trust me, they do! I can’t look at a person and tell that they are an embezzler, pedophile, adulterer, gambler or alcoholic. (I do realize that as substance abuse advances, you can see the destruction, but the effects can be hidden for a long time.) But I can’t hide being fat. I can never hide being fat.
So Tony says something to the effect that: “it’s OK, because you’re problem isn’t as bad as theirs. Your problem can’t ruin your life. It can’t kill you.” Full disclosure here – I am synopsizing. He realizes he put his foot in his mouth so he starts backtracking. Something to the effect of: “since your problem is out in the open, you have more confidence.” (He did use the word ‘confidence’; I’m not injecting that.) Now, writing this down, it doesn’t seem so bad; you’re going to have to take my word for it that I felt that he was diminishing the pain and frustration I feel with my addiction compared to his.
There are some differences between being fat versus being an alcoholic, to be sure. For instance, Tony is trying to get insurance coverage for his rehab. My doctor on the other hand, had to – ummmm….massage the truth – about my need for blood tests because “Obesity” is not covered by medical insurance. Tony can order a drink in a restaurant without strangers making any judgments. I, on the other hand, will be judged at a grocery store by the contents of my cart.
Before I go further, let me just make one thing clear about my opinion on this…I DON’T think that being fat is worse, or even as bad, as being an alcoholic. Or a gambler. Or a drug addict. And although I think the disappearing middle-class is one of the worst problems facing America, I think that overspending as a PERSONAL problem is eclipsed by problems like alcoholism or drug addiction or gambling. I would NEVER say that being overweight or mired in debt is worse or even as bad as being an alcoholic. However, I do think that we both suffer from an addiction problem – he just chose a deadlier poison. I know that some people, doctors and psychologists included, would say these problems are equally bad, but I just don’t buy it.
Apparently, in our little discussions, I’ve given Tony the impression that I think my obesity is as bad a problem as his alcoholism. And I was too blinded by anger to realize that his slightly non-sequitur response was really his way of communicating that to me. But then he said something to me that forever changed the way I see him. And this is almost verbatim:
“I don’t think you’re fat, Susan. How much do you weigh?” Ummm…200 lbs. “Well, you hide it well”. He repeats the whole, “I don’t think you’re fat” thing one more time for good measure. And I’m really bothered by this. He said it to placate me; to flatter me to dissipate the tension that his earlier comment created. But it just really freakin’ bothered me. I’m sure Tony will dismiss this by saying something to the effect, “Well, I don’t think you’re fat because I’m Black.” (I would bet money on that, by the way.) But I think he would be missing the point if he used that as an excuse. He didn’t say it because of his cultural or racial background, he said it because he’s an Enabler.
Enabling is this weird destructive forced cloaked in friendship and support. It made me feel like he’s a liar or just plain stupid. I hope so. Because then I will have to visit the other alternative – that he said it specifically to hinder any progress that I’ve made toward losing weight and a healthier lifestyle. Sometimes I think he’s far more manipulative than he appears on the surface.
But I'm afraid that I’m projecting a little.
Tony is an alcoholic. Something he’s been struggling with openly for about a year and possibly many years to come. Sometimes we talk about it because I too easily succumb to addictions. In my early to late 20’s, I spent money like I was rich and now that I’m practically debt-free I’m turning my attention to my eating disorder. Not the thin-kind of eating disorder (although I spent most of 8th grade throwing up, 9th grade starving myself and my freshmen year of college scarfing laxatives). You see, I’m clinically obese.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing ‘clinical’ about it. You can look at me and tell that I’m significantly overweight. We’re not talking 20 lbs here. I’m under 5’1” and I weigh 195. That’s an extra 70 lbs. I used to weigh 208 lbs. So, I’m not just clinically obese; I’m just plain fat.
Sometimes, Tony and I will talk when we are alone about our weaknesses. He always compliments me on my insights. I think he likes the fact that I’m not constantly nagging him about sobriety.
So last night, I came home and found Tony and Trina (my roommate) playing cards and sat down to watch and just shoot the breeze. I don’t know how we even got on the subject, but I said something to the effect that I often wish I could see other people’s sins the way people can see mine. I just feel that if a person wants to give me any type of advice, I want ALL their cards laid out on the table. I want to KNOW that you’re a necrophiliac before you give me diet advice – that’s all I’m asking here. People hide their sins, but because my sins are literally written all over my ass, ANYBODY can give me diet/exercise advice. And trust me, they do! I can’t look at a person and tell that they are an embezzler, pedophile, adulterer, gambler or alcoholic. (I do realize that as substance abuse advances, you can see the destruction, but the effects can be hidden for a long time.) But I can’t hide being fat. I can never hide being fat.
So Tony says something to the effect that: “it’s OK, because you’re problem isn’t as bad as theirs. Your problem can’t ruin your life. It can’t kill you.” Full disclosure here – I am synopsizing. He realizes he put his foot in his mouth so he starts backtracking. Something to the effect of: “since your problem is out in the open, you have more confidence.” (He did use the word ‘confidence’; I’m not injecting that.) Now, writing this down, it doesn’t seem so bad; you’re going to have to take my word for it that I felt that he was diminishing the pain and frustration I feel with my addiction compared to his.
There are some differences between being fat versus being an alcoholic, to be sure. For instance, Tony is trying to get insurance coverage for his rehab. My doctor on the other hand, had to – ummmm….massage the truth – about my need for blood tests because “Obesity” is not covered by medical insurance. Tony can order a drink in a restaurant without strangers making any judgments. I, on the other hand, will be judged at a grocery store by the contents of my cart.
Before I go further, let me just make one thing clear about my opinion on this…I DON’T think that being fat is worse, or even as bad, as being an alcoholic. Or a gambler. Or a drug addict. And although I think the disappearing middle-class is one of the worst problems facing America, I think that overspending as a PERSONAL problem is eclipsed by problems like alcoholism or drug addiction or gambling. I would NEVER say that being overweight or mired in debt is worse or even as bad as being an alcoholic. However, I do think that we both suffer from an addiction problem – he just chose a deadlier poison. I know that some people, doctors and psychologists included, would say these problems are equally bad, but I just don’t buy it.
Apparently, in our little discussions, I’ve given Tony the impression that I think my obesity is as bad a problem as his alcoholism. And I was too blinded by anger to realize that his slightly non-sequitur response was really his way of communicating that to me. But then he said something to me that forever changed the way I see him. And this is almost verbatim:
“I don’t think you’re fat, Susan. How much do you weigh?” Ummm…200 lbs. “Well, you hide it well”. He repeats the whole, “I don’t think you’re fat” thing one more time for good measure. And I’m really bothered by this. He said it to placate me; to flatter me to dissipate the tension that his earlier comment created. But it just really freakin’ bothered me. I’m sure Tony will dismiss this by saying something to the effect, “Well, I don’t think you’re fat because I’m Black.” (I would bet money on that, by the way.) But I think he would be missing the point if he used that as an excuse. He didn’t say it because of his cultural or racial background, he said it because he’s an Enabler.
Enabling is this weird destructive forced cloaked in friendship and support. It made me feel like he’s a liar or just plain stupid. I hope so. Because then I will have to visit the other alternative – that he said it specifically to hinder any progress that I’ve made toward losing weight and a healthier lifestyle. Sometimes I think he’s far more manipulative than he appears on the surface.
But I'm afraid that I’m projecting a little.
posted by Susan at 2:21 PM
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